getting some form back

Well, first of all, i have to say "Wow!!" i did not expect that the voting would overwhelmingly favor wearing the "Amputees need love too!" T-shirt on a first date, but you, the people, have spoken, so as soon as i get that first date, i will in fact wear the T-shirt. I'll let you know how it goes (and i'll also hold you all accountable if it ends miserably)!

Photo: Chris See

Alright, having addressed that, time to move on to other more interesting stuff, like bike racing. It's been almost a year since my amputation, and i'm starting to feel like i'm getting some form back and can actually be competitive in a race rather than just getting shelled out the back as soon as the racing really starts. In fact, this last weekend i took 6th overall in the Bikes4kids stage race, with a 3rd place in the TT. And last weekend i didn't let the hill pictured below take me out of the race.


I know it doesn't look like much from this angle (hills never look as steep in pictures or on TV), but the last little kicker is 8-9% and goes on just long enough to really hurt. At the state championship Road Race we did 5 laps of this course, with a rollout starting across the street from the hill to make for a total of 6 times up the hill. Since climbing is definitely a weakness since losing my right calf, i was afraid i was going to get dropped on the hill when the inevitable attacks started. But lap after lap i was able to hang on. On the 3rd time up the hill i made a strategic attack about a mile before the hill to get a head start. This worked out perfectly as the rest of the group caught me just as i was cresting the top, but this was also the time they took the hill the hardest and dropped half a dozen other riders. Fortunately my strategy paid off and i jumped back in the group for the rest of the race. Of course the last time up the hill the field splintered since the finish line was just past the crest of the hill and the attacks were furious. i got passed by most of the other racers, but overall i was happy to have stayed with the lead group for the whole race. At the beginning of the season i was unceremoniously dropped from every race as soon as we hit any incline, so it's gratifying to be able to stay in till the finish now.

I'm looking forward to Worlds in three weeks, and then after Denmark time to gear up for the 2011 CX season (is it ok to say i may even be a little more excited for CX then worlds). And i'm just going to put this out there. It may be pie in the sky, but i'm starting to entertain the idea that i may have it in me to upgrade to a cat 2. I've never thought this possible, even before the amputation, but with some hard work and dedication i think i can get there. I know i'm not there now, but am sure going to give it my all going into the 2012 road season. By making it public, that puts the pressure on to follow through, right?!?

It's been an emotional couple of weeks

Wow! These last two weeks have been pretty intense as they've brought a lot of the events over the past year full circle, in some tragic and heartbreaking ways and in others more hopeful and encouraging. The emotional roller coaster ride really started almost two weeks ago when i read of the hit-and-run death of Brynn Barton who was killed while riding her bike near downtown SLC. It's been just about a year since Bunny was likewise killed while riding her bike with a group of friends on a beautiful summer morning. The news of Brynn's death hit hard, even though i had never met her or didn't know her. Friday night i attended a benefit bike ride and memorial for her and had the opportunity to talk to her mom for a few minutes. I know on some level how hard this is, though i can't possibly understand how her parents feel, or how my brother felt losing Bunny. Regardless, it's painful and tragic beyond words. Two incredible young women with a passion for life and serving other people, both taken within a year while riding their bikes in the streets of SLC. The encouraging and amazing aspect that i've seen again and again, however, is the support and strength of the communities who rally together to support the family members and make sure that some good comes out of these tragedies. I saw and witnessed this time and again after Bunny's death, and saw it again with the memorial ride for Brynn, as well as how her family and friends have chosen to remember and celebrate her and her zest for life. Nothing can compensate for these lost lives, but there's a lot to be said for how those who survive move forward.

This weekend i also had the opportunity to take part in the last leg of the Huntsman 140. By last leg, i mean, i only rode the last 40 miles, but many rode 140 miles, and a small, amazing group of eight rode all the way from Reno, NV to the Huntsman Cancer Institute (a ride of about 667 miles). this ride was started years ago by Jeff Warren who, after beating cancer, decided to ride from his hometown of Reno to the HCI to raise awareness for developing less toxic treatments for cancer. This was the tenth year he's done it. As they rolled towards Salt Lake City today, a group of 100+ riders and myself joined them for the last leg. Let me say first of all, over the past year i have had the opportunity to meet and interact with some really amazing people. Jeff Warren is certainly one of them, as is Cindy Yorgason, a breast cancer survivor, who always greets me with a hug and a smile. And another guy who i can't say enough good about is Steve Kelly. Talk about a heart of gold, I'm consistently impressed with the way Steve goes out of his way to include, support, and encourage others. Case in point, "Echo's Mile." You may remember Echo from a previous post about the rotationplasty surgery that Doc Jones has done for a couple of young cancer patients with sarcomas in their femur. Well, Steve arranged for Echo to meet us and ride on a tag-along attached to his bike for the last mile up to the HCI. Mind you, Steve was finishing up 667 miles, regardless, he attached that tag-along to his bike and he and Echo rode together up to the Huntsman Center across the "finish line." This was definitely the highlight of my day, seeing her pedal along with Steve with a big 'ol grin on her face, and thanks to Steve for making it happen and inviting me to ride along with them.




I was unexpectedly overcome with emotion as we rolled up to the HCI. It's just shy of a year ago now that i rode the very same road with my brothers, brother-in-law, and dear friend T-dub on the way to my own amputation as a result of cancer. As i rode that last quarter mile to Huntsman, this time surrounded by yellow jerseys and other cancer survivors, i started to cry just a tiny bit. It was an amazing experience to relive my ride a year ago with some of the people most dear to me, and to repeat it this weekend with a group of new friends.





I wrapped up the weekend at the Ray LaMontagne concert. Again, emotional for a host of reasons, i found myself up and down, crying and smiling with each new song, letting go and starting anew.


It's been a shitty year, i'm not gonna lie, but through it all, i'm still alive, i'm still able to do the things i love, and although i've lost some of the things that are most important and dear to me, i know i have so much to be grateful for. Sometimes life gives you lemons, so you do your best to make lemonade. Sometimes that lemonade is still bitter, but i'm extremely grateful for those around me who have been there to add a little sugar to make things just a tad bit sweeter. Thank You!!

racing and grading and riding for righty

Yes, it's that time of year: the end of CX season and the crux of grading before the end of the semester. Every semester i try to figure out how to maintain the level of work that the students do, but decrease the amount of grading i have to do. So far, i've been unsuccessful, as the pile of papers to grade on my kitchen table can attest.


And this season i obviously haven't been able to race much of the series, but i have been able to race the last two races, and plan on the final race this coming weekend. My results haven't been that great, but i didn't finish last in either race, so at least the one-legged guy isn't bringing in the caboose (just close to it). My fitness is pretty lousy, and the lack of time i've been on the bike in the last two weeks on account of grading hasn't helped any. I'm still a bit sloppy on the dismounts, barriers, and especially clipping in, but i feel like i'm improving. My first race i had a great first lap, sloppy second lap (crashed twice and got my pedal stuck on the bottom of my new foot, wedged between the cleat and the side, rather than clipped into the cleap), and fair third lap. Overall, however, it was great to race again, especially to start racing on the same day as the Cross out Cancer event.

The "Crossbot" riding to cross out cancer!

Big props to Matt Ohran, Melissa Parry, and the O'Learys for organizing the "Cross out Cancer." At last report the event had raised in excess of $25,000 to help fight cancer. If you didn't get a chance to participate, but still want to donate, you can follow this link and make an online contribution. Thanks to Uncle Bob, D. "the brewmaster" C., and everyone else who came out to support.

T-dub even got her MTB out for a lap in the cold!

The artist got some pics of the race (above) and i tried to get some video, but it was a new video camera, so when i pushed the button at the start of the race to record, i actually just set the camera to take one time delayed photo, rather than start the video camera, so all i got was this photo of me trying to get my gloves on as everyone else was trying to get the hole shot around the first corner.


I did get some footage of the "cross out cancer" ride. I know, i know, "stand by me," is a little cliché, but short of including "we will survive," it feels the most appropriate to me right now. Some people say cancer makes them stronger, i dont' know about that, what i do know is this whole experience has brought me closer to the people i love, and others who i'm getting to know and love, and it's the incredible support from my family, friends, colleagues, students, and even strangers, that have made this whole thing bearable, so "stand by me" it is.

Cross out Cancer, UTCX from matt bradley on Vimeo.

I did figure out how to use the camera the next weekend at Ft. Buenaventura, so here's the unedited footage of about six minutes of the first lap. I think i forgot to charge the battery, and the cold doesn't help with battery life, so the camera went dead right before i missed a turn and went right through the course marker tape and lost about four places as i turned around and got back on course.

Utah Cyclocross, Ft Buenaventura from matt bradley on Vimeo.

The river bed section was the worst of this course for me; running is still not my forté and the mix of river rock and sand was no picnic. The barriers were also spaced in a way that made them kind of awkward, i was doing a funny half step between each one. Yesterday i went to Wheeler and practiced barriers for a while, and although my residual limb was getting pretty sore, i finally felt by the end of the time i was there i was starting to get better flow and rhythm. One more CX race next weekend to give it a go, then it's back to training for road.

Righty's last ride (pts. 1 & 2) and all the beautiful people

Like i mentioned in another post, the day after T-dub got home from Europe we met with Doc Jones and decided to go ahead with the amputation of my right foot a mere two days later on friday. My brother the suburban cowboy kept referring to a song by Tim McGraw, "Live Like you Were Dying," about all the things we should do with my foot before it went off to the big cancer lab in the sky. Because of the two previous surgeries i hadn't been able to ride my bike a whole lot since the end of June, so one thing i knew i wanted to do was ride again with both legs. I put the word out to a few friends that thursday morning i'd be meeting at Revolution at 7:00 am for "Righty's Last Ride." The artist put the word out to quite a few more people, unbeknownst to me. So thursday morning T-dub and i got up, rolled over to Revolution, and were surprised to find 30-40 people there for Righty's last ride.



We had a good ride out through Draper and back, with more folks joining along the way, and i appreciate the opportunity to ride next to so many great people from the cycling community, both those i know and have ridden with for years, and those i barely know. I appreciate everyone who pulled up by my side to offer encouragement, give references or offer help, or even share their own experiences. It was impressive to see everyone, from some of the fastest guys in the state to my high school humanities teacher, show up to bolster me with their spirits and strength on such short notice. Thanks as well to all of you who didn't hear about the ride till afterwords (i know, one day wasn't a lot of time) or had other commitments, but expressed your desire to be there. Thank you!!

Yes, he was a state champion, and the CX old guy series points leader, but that was all back before he started brewing beer.

A big shout out to Melissa and the whole crew at Revolution who have been incredibly supportive. I've been buying bikes and bike stuff from Melissa for well over ten years now because she knows how to take care of people. Thanks!!

But to all you who came out for Righty's Last Ride, i have a small confession to make. It wasn't actually Righty's last ride. It was, in actuality Righty's second to last ride, see, when i got my surgery schedule and found out i didn't have to be at the Huntsman Center until 2:00 in the afternoon on friday, the artist asked me if i was going to ride my bike up to Huntsman. It hadn't occurred to me before that, but since he mentioned it, yea, i decided i would ride to the hospital. So this time i invited my family to join me for Righty's real last ride. I got up friday morning and shaved Righty one last time (old habits die hard i guess), then ran a few last errands.



At noon Luke showed up to offer his support, then T-dub (who was taking the picture), the artist, the fashionista, and José and I all set out for Righty's real last ride. It was a pretty surreal experience. Here was this leg, that by all accounts, was doing what it was supposed to be doing. It looked healthy! It pedaled and powered the bike forward! and yet, this cancer was growing inside it that had the potential to destroy me!

Righty's last pedal strokes!

The closer we got to Hunstman, the more surreal it became. Our pace was easy, and we were laughing and joking, but right there in my mind i kept thinking, "this is so natural, so normal, so much a part of my daily life, but this is it: the last time i will pedal my bike with both legs, something i have taken for granted my whole life." I am grateful i had my brothers and Ms. Cheetah with me to share Righty's last ride (for real).


When we got to the Huntsman, the artist, the fashionista, T-dub, and José "dropped me off."


Then we found a valet (yes, they have free valet at the Huntsman for patients) to take a group picture. He asked us where we had ridden from, thinking that if the ride merited a group photo, it must have been quite a ways. We told him Sandy. He pretended not to be unimpressed, then the artist, with all his usual tack, pointed to me and said, "he's going in to get his leg cut off now," at which point the valet's expression turned to part horror, part shock. He clearly didn't know what to say to that, muttered "i'm sorry" a number of times and we rode down to the parking lot to find my dad.


After my dad got there, the rest of the group rode home, T-dub and I went in and changed, and then headed up to wait for the surgery. Even though i was scheduled to arrive at 2:00, and they got us into the patient waiting room rather quickly, the surgery rooms were backed up and it wasn't until almost 8:00 that they finally got me in for the surgery. That gave me a lot of time to hang out with my Dad, T-dub, and my leg.

Finally a little after 8:00 they rolled me back to the surgery room and the next thing i remember was waking up at around midnight. I was in the post-op recovery room where the nurses were telling me they were going to "boost" the epidural, which would take about ten minutes, and then once i was feeling ok, take me up to my room. I was feeling a good bit of pain, but waited and waited, hoping the epidural would kick in. It didn't. Finally, after about fifteen minutes i told the nurse (between deep breaths), that i didn't think the epidural was working. I knew this for two reasons: 1) it hurt like hell and 2) i could scratch and pinch both legs and feel it just fine, i had total sensation in both legs (or at least what was left of both legs). The nurses worked quickly to get an IV drip painkiller going, but all in all, i spent about 45-50 minutes between when i came to and the painkiller kicked in. Finally the pain started to subside and they took me up to my room where my Dad, the artist, and T-dub were waiting for me. T-dub almost fainted when they told her it had taken so long because the epidural didn't work and i was in a bit of pain. The artist almost fainted when he saw the pic of my foot in a bowl.
Then the worst part of the whole experience happened. I had to pee real bad, i mean real bad. So after a little discussion with the nurse it was determined that T-dub would hold me while everyone else waited outside and i peed into a small plastic urinal, so T-dub propped me up and held me at the bedside, i held a urinal up to my junk, and the nurse, the artist, and my dad waited behind a curtain ten feet away. Talk about stage fright. It didn't help that every 45 seconds my dad was asking me if i had gone yet. Although i had to pee so bad my teeth hurt, with such an audience, it took me a good six or seven minutes and a bit of coaxing before i was able to relieve myself. Finally, the job done, i was put back in bed, my dad and the artist said good night, and T-dub pulled a reclining chair up to my bed as close as she could and held my hand throughout the night.


The next morning the "pain management team," including the resident who had administered my epidural the night before came to see how i was doing. I told the resident that he was lucky he hadn't stopped by last night when i was in the post-op recovery room because had he done so, regardless of whether i had only one leg or not, i would have punched him hard in the face. He didn't see the humor, but that's ok, cuz i hadn't been laughing the night before either.

Other than that, however, i can't say enough for the hospital staff, Doc Jones and his staff, and all my good family, friends, unirvesity colleagues, students, and the cycling community who have shown me so much support. I had a number of great visitors at the hospital, who certainly made the time pass. In fact, i had to remind Cait, who was having so much fun, that it wasn't a birthday party, i had, in fact, just had my leg amputated.

My nieces signing my cast.

My mom sporting her "Livestrong" hat, just for the occassion. She came to visit twice, though her own health is deteriorating rapidly. Thanks Mom!!

The artist, the fashionista, and DC all stopped by after riding the four canyons. Don't worry DC, i won't tell anyone, you only met them for Emigration and didn't really ride the other three.

All the kids wanted to see the pics of the surgery. It probably didn't help that Ernie couldn't help but gasp, "holy cow!!" with each new picture as she scrolled through them.

Willy made me a new prosthetic foot out of play-doh.

Cait asking if she could eat the chocolate she had brought me as a get-well gift.

But that's ok, because Cait also made me these "guardian monsters" out of the play-doh she brought.

Early sunday morning visitors, i like that Cait wore her jersey, even though she drove to the hospital.

After a few laps around the fifth floor on Sunday with my new crutches, and some stair exercises, they figured i was strong enough to go home and i was discharged before noon.



It was nice to go home, to sleep in my bed, to not have a nurse's aid waking me every hour to check my vitals, and to have so much care and support from so many. I don't know how to begin to express my gratitude. I have felt such an incredible and strong sense of community and love over the past few months, first since Bunny was killed, and more recently after my own surgery. I don't know that i can thank everyone and i'm afraid i'll leave someone out, please forgive me if i do, but i want to try.

Thanks especially to T-dub for being there every step and taking such unbelievable care of me. I can't imagine what Luke is going through because i would be devastated without you. I am so grateful and lucky to have you in my life.

Thanks Dad for doing everything you can to help me through this in every way: financially, and in terms of my overall well being and comfort, and for being there for every surgery to pick me up, take me home, and make sure i'm taken care of. And thanks mom, even though your mind is not what it used to be, i face my challenges with the attitude i do because that's what you and dad taught me to do.

Thanks to the rest of my family, who all help in their different ways, so many of which i'm sure i'm not even aware. Niki for coordinating and communicating; Seth for being a jackass, i mean for his sense of humor (really though, i appreciate Seth for all he has done to support me through this); Luke for stepping up and supporting me, even when he is going through his own challenges that overshadow mine immensely; Miah for wanting to take my big toe skydiving before i lost it; Zach for helping with so many little things including a great meal (actually it was Brenda who made it), but most especially providing me with a photo that brings me to tears of laughter everytime i see it; and Trigger for checking in and keeping up from southern Colorado. Thanks as well to my amazing sisters-in-law and José who have fed me, chauferred me, helped clean my house, and yard, and supported T-dub.
Thanks to my nieces and nephews who decorated my cast something wonderful, came to visit me often, and continue to support me even if it means a get well kiss or good luck rub to the stinky end of my stubbly stump.


Thanks to all my extended family who have sent get well messages, dropped off music, visited me in the hospital and at home, sent food, and even provided or offered medical advice and services. To Bob and Lonnie for the music and visits, to Jim and Shauna for coming by for a pre-surgery visit, to the Parrys for the visits, the food, and the help in the yard, and Grandpa for the steaks. Thanks likewise to Lindsey for enough tasty and healthy food to keep me and Tay well fed for a month, and all of T-dub's family for the visits and help.

Thanks to Leti and Cait who made sure my hospital stay was comfortable as well as my transition home. You two have been wonderful, and although i tease you both (sometimes, just a little) i love you both and am grateful for you in my life. And thanks Leti for braving the insects and biodiversity to help T-dub in the garden. Thanks Lu and Vero for the incredible mole, and everyone who showed up for my 40th with plenty of Virgils root beer. Thank you Ms. Soos for your small and simple, but incredibly meaningful pictures and messages. Thanks all my other friends, even those from afar, who kept up with me and sent me messages of strength and support. Thanks TaLaisa, Eli, and Caleb for the visits, the incredible cookies, and all the other goodies.

Thanks to all my colleagues at the university for all of your support and offers for assistance, from the LEAP program, to the Honors College, UNP, ECS, the Bennion Center, and AMES. I appreciate the concern and support you all have shown, the cards, messages, phone calls, meals, treats, visits, and offers to cover my classes that so many of you have sent my way. Most especially thanks to Marti who, despite her own health trials, has been there every step of the way to offer her support.

Thanks likewise to all of my students who have sent messages, visited, made extra trips just to get me that mango-raspberry boboli smoothie i was craving, and provided a great system of support and love. Thanks to the good folks at Free Minds/Free People for the great care package that kept T-dub and i entertained while i was recovering. And thanks to the Mestizo community for your support and stepping up to take care of things when i was at the hospital or getting scans or tests of some sort or another.

Thanks to the cycling community for all your support and messages. Thanks Gardie for declaring a "matt bradley day" up in PC. Thanks Bryson for looking to hook me up with sponsors and other connections so i can keep cycling. Thanks DC for being an all-around good guy, a great teammate, and an amazing support. Thanks to the Glenn brothers, smartasses they may be, for their support. Thanks Bruce for looking for ways to keep me motivated and involved with cycling, Bart G. for some pre-surgery advice, and Shane for the crutches. Thanks to everyone who came out to "righty's last ride," and offered your support in so many ways, as i mentioned previously in this post. Your presence and companionship carried my spirit and gave me an incredible amount of encouragement to get back on the bike as soon as i can.

Thanks to Doc Backman who initially found the tumor, Doc Jones, Nancy, and all the other incredible staff at the Huntsman who got rid of them, and everyone else who took care of me during my stay.

And finally, thank you to everyone who has offered prayers, fasted, lit a candle, and put my name in prayer circles in the variety of congregations you attend from LDS temples to the Buddhist monastaries.

Though i certainly wouldn't have chosen to lose my foot, i am grateful for the ways in which it has deepened my relationship with so many of you, both those with whom i was already close and those with whom i had more casual relationships. I have seen new sides of my own family members, developed an incredibly deep respect for T-dub, strengthened my relationship with many family and friends, and opened doors to new relationships with many others that i look forward to developing.
I hope i can even begin to repay all the kindness that you all have extended to me. God Bless!!